Adieu

Well friends the time has come.  I’m shutting this bitch down.   I’m in purge mode.  Purging all the things in my life that aren’t working.  Not that this blog isn’t working, but it’s not a focus anymore.  My focus is demanded somewhere else and I must present for it.

Reading through these posts I realize largely, I’m not this girl anymore.  I’m a stranger to myself these days.  Keeping up this blog just isn’t me at the moment.  However, never say never.  Sometime I may start this up again or a new one completely.  Who knows, the future is a mystery and I’m preferring that more than ever.

This blog has provided a wonderful outlet for me over the years and probably kept me sane.  For now I say goodbye.  I will keep my tumblr going &  you can find me there should you ever see what’s in my head.

Thank you for reading.  The fact you come back more than once is humbling in so many ways.

The first real good morning in a long time

 

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

I have one of those college kid ironing boards.  The kind that sit on the floor.  Some day… when I’m older, I’ll get a grown up one. The kind that doesn’t require you sitting on your floor to iron and you won’t have to de-cat hair your clothes b/c they brush up agains the floor.  This morning while ironing my dress for work, Maggie sits next to me.  She asks me if I’m going to wear shorts under my dress.  I tell no.  Then she says “well what if someone lifts up your dress?!” I smile & look at her and let her know “that is very unlikely.”  She looks hard and then concerningly says… “well I think someone might be able to see your underpants in that dress.”   Again I smile and let her know that my dress really isn’t very short at all, so no one will be seeing my underpants.

She looks at me and says “when I’m older, can you teach me how to do that?”  Puzzled I ask, “show you how to iron?” Yes she replies.  I tell her of course.  Then she says “when I’m 7 (she turns 7 in October).”  ”You want to learn how to iron when you’re Seven?  Okay.”  She pauses, looks at me and says “well maybe it will be better when I’m 8.”

Gently

In the quest of finding myself again after much shake up both physically and emotionally, I’ve had to look at myself.  I mean REALLY look at myself now, then, and how I want to see myself in the future.  Gentle is one thing I am not.  Not with other people, myself and unfortunately many times with my child.  So lovely fabulous introspection time.  I love introspection time, don’t you?  I mean making myself feel like a large pile of poo is my absolute favorite in the whole world.  YAY introspection!  Okay, enough of the sarcasm.

Speaking with friends who themselves have begun, are on, or have done their own self-care path, I’ve learned something very very important.  This is something that can be taught.  I was not taught this, hence my tendency to be incredibly hard on and unforgiving with myself.  But as I learn this, my hope, my goal is to help Maggie learn how to care for herself gently.  To be forgiving, to be herself without reservations.  This my friends is a life long project and so easy to stray and loose our way as life throws us the curve balls that teach us these lessons, that in turn help us see what we’re made of and how we care for ourselves. The circle of mental health life.  It seems daunting.  Incredibly laborious and emotional.  I do think most projects come that way, especially to a procrastinator like myself.  I mean it’s taken me 35 years to start on this journey of me.  Loving me, as bat shit crazy, as I am.

Someone said I ruined their image of me, when they found out I wasn’t all together. Which I found hilarious!  I have never been a together person, I get shit done, but usually the hardest way possible.  I guess I put on a good front.   It was only when I realized my actions affected the way someone else will eventually live their life did I wake up.  I don’t want Maggie to make the world hard for herself.  No one told me even half the stuff I would learn being a parent.  And the mistakes, good lord the mistakes I make, I worry that Mag’s college fund will be her therapy fund.   I do find it ironic, for me to teach my daughter to love herself, is not by me loving her (which I do unconditionally), but loving myself with the intention I give her.  Wait… is that irony?

“Oh Mollie, you’re so existential.  When did you get so serious?”

Honestly, I was sick of feeling so fucking sad all the time.  I needed to change it.  I’m part of the “if you don’t like it, change it” camp.   So I’m gonna woo woo this all up and be fearless & happy.  Letting go to be freer.  Free, fearless & happy.  I think that shall be my new mantra.  What do you think?

Btw, I’ve been listening to tons of Devotchka lately.   It’s soothing my heart.  Are you sick of me talking about myself all the time?  I kinda am.

Fortune teller

I often wish I could see in the future.  To make the proper decisions now to make those fabulous fortunes come true, but as we all know it’s our present actions that predict our future.  I must admit, I can be a big dumb ass and my present actions are stupid mistakes.  Then again how do we learn if we don’t make mistakes?  My question is why do mistakes have to be so painful?  Not like stubbing your toe from not picking up your feet, but emotional, heart wrenching, soul sucking, Oh my god will I ever make it through this, painful.  And then you realize that it’s YOU making this mistake so painful.  It’s your brain, that wretched little thing, over analyzing every detail… painfully.

 

During my little journey I’m currently taking, I’m trying to learn to let go.  Not cover up the fact I screwed up or that it hurts, but maybe just maybe not think, obsess, and create my own private anxiety ridden hell, and let the shit go. It is a practice.  I have a hard time being kind with myself (and with others).  I’m trying not to be so hard.

What’s your way to learn and let go? Maybe we can help each other.

Outta the mouth of babes

 

Sitting in the living room this morning as I was procrastinating getting fully ready for work, I chatted pleasantly with my child.  Finally I sighed and said I guess I should go put on some makeup.  And with all the innocence in the world, my child looked at me and said

Mommy you look beautiful all the time without makeup.

 

I may have to buy her a pony.

Hiya

I kinda missed it here.

 

Sabbatical

Looking at my world at the moment and all the things happening around me I decided to shut up.  I haven’t been myself lately & I need to get to find her again without any outside influences or pre-concieved notions of what I think people are thinking.  So for the next month, I’m taking a Social Networking sabbatical.  No blogging, twitter, tumblr, facebook, the works.  It’s my goal to stay off the computer as much as possible.  I will however still check email and use the internet for work research b/c I have committee commitments and a job that I must be loyal to.

Looking forward to reading more books, writing in my journal, taking more pictures and being supremely present.  So if you want to get a hold of me call or text, send me an email or even better… write me a letter.

Happy July!

XO!

New thing I learned today

When having the luxury of going into work late, I will throw on a dress (prior to morning shower), take kid to school.  Then after (still prior to shower) I will stop at the store for coffee, upon looking at my reflection… I will realize that I will resemble a 30-something business professional doing a morning walk of shame with 100 yr old looking baby doll hair.

2nd Favorite Spam Comment

Tranny Ranch

 

I don’t know if there is such a thing as a Tranny Ranch.  What would a Tranny Ranch consist of?  Transvestites dressed like cowboys/girls?  Would there be a Tranny rodeo?  Damn that would be awesome.  Would someone please start a Tranny Ranch?  I would like to go sounds like fun!  I would wear a mustache and everything!  Maybe even a handlebar mustache!!!!  I just got super excited and a little sad, that I got so excited.  *sigh*

Please brain stop thinking!

I’ve been thinking so much lately about my life and what’s going, I’m becoming sick of myself.  I feel bad for my friends who hear me whine and cry all the time.  Then I read the following and it brought me comfort.  I think that’s all anyone needs… a little comfort in not knowing.

When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don’t know what’s really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don’t know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don’t know. We never know if we’re going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.

- Pema Chödrön