In the quest of finding myself again after much shake up both physically and emotionally, I’ve had to look at myself. I mean REALLY look at myself now, then, and how I want to see myself in the future. Gentle is one thing I am not. Not with other people, myself and unfortunately many times with my child. So lovely fabulous introspection time. I love introspection time, don’t you? I mean making myself feel like a large pile of poo is my absolute favorite in the whole world. YAY introspection! Okay, enough of the sarcasm.
Speaking with friends who themselves have begun, are on, or have done their own self-care path, I’ve learned something very very important. This is something that can be taught. I was not taught this, hence my tendency to be incredibly hard on and unforgiving with myself. But as I learn this, my hope, my goal is to help Maggie learn how to care for herself gently. To be forgiving, to be herself without reservations. This my friends is a life long project and so easy to stray and loose our way as life throws us the curve balls that teach us these lessons, that in turn help us see what we’re made of and how we care for ourselves. The circle of mental health life. It seems daunting. Incredibly laborious and emotional. I do think most projects come that way, especially to a procrastinator like myself. I mean it’s taken me 35 years to start on this journey of me. Loving me, as bat shit crazy, as I am.
Someone said I ruined their image of me, when they found out I wasn’t all together. Which I found hilarious! I have never been a together person, I get shit done, but usually the hardest way possible. I guess I put on a good front. It was only when I realized my actions affected the way someone else will eventually live their life did I wake up. I don’t want Maggie to make the world hard for herself. No one told me even half the stuff I would learn being a parent. And the mistakes, good lord the mistakes I make, I worry that Mag’s college fund will be her therapy fund. I do find it ironic, for me to teach my daughter to love herself, is not by me loving her (which I do unconditionally), but loving myself with the intention I give her. Wait… is that irony?
“Oh Mollie, you’re so existential. When did you get so serious?”
Honestly, I was sick of feeling so fucking sad all the time. I needed to change it. I’m part of the “if you don’t like it, change it” camp. So I’m gonna woo woo this all up and be fearless & happy. Letting go to be freer. Free, fearless & happy. I think that shall be my new mantra. What do you think?
Btw, I’ve been listening to tons of Devotchka lately. It’s soothing my heart. Are you sick of me talking about myself all the time? I kinda am.